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Brian
Sher, I deeply appreciate your attention, concern and kindness. Thank you: *palms together, full bow*.***
The first night of the spiritual gathering (Nov. 20) was the first time ever – at least in this current incarnation – that I had allowed this energy to enter my body/mind.
I was a virgin to the gathering; and much like a virgin I was excited, nervous, and perhaps, deep down, a little afraid: what was going to happen? I had no idea what to expect, but I knew it was something BIG (sorry for the pun, it was not at all intended). I knew that life would never be the same after, that I would be entering a new phase of Being, a corridor through which I would travel a great distance from sickness to health, and from blockage to opening.
My neophyte status was apparent to others but not to myself: you shared in the circle that you felt some disturbance from me and reiterated that fact on Saturday afternoon at your kitchen table. I had actually thought that I was relatively focused during most of the experience; but I understood through the second gathering that in the overwhelming embrace of Mother, I was all a flutter, whether that was apparent to me or not. I knew the sludge was being removed from me, but I had no idea how “dirty” I was. And that even though I experienced very lofty things during my first time, I was still very far from fully feeling the great embrace.
All of those realizations came through the second gathering – the blessed sacrament of my life thus far…
It showed me that even though I was truly open to REAL CHANGE I was actually unable to properly receive. I also allowed myself to sit with your observation on my flightiness as Saturday progressed, even though it bothered me, because I know how many times I have been wrong in the past – I had a very similar experience with a Zen master who I trained under in my late 20s; by letting myself “feel insulted” instead of resisting the “guidance of a specialist,” to use your expression from the gathering preparation guide, I healed, plain and simple.
When Saturday night arrived, and we began to open up sacred space, I engaged my faculty of mindfulness to encounter the sensuality and affection of my new “lover” in a humbled and appreciative spirit…and she was there for me, boy was she ever there me.
All of this, of course, was only possible with the initial clearing that you conducted during the first spiritual gathering, especially when you came close to me and then reached into me – that’s the only way I can describe that ineffable feeling. You helped me “open the coil” as it were for a very great release wherein my sexuality and all of the pain and screwed up orientation towards my confidence became readjusted to fit my actual status: a gentle, beautiful person who has been on the wrong track in his search for communion, beauty and love.
And so, I was empowered. I was strong enough now in the second iteration of healing to sit in relative stillness, even while the esoteric apparitions I experienced cleansed my “inner vision” as the brushes of a car wash vigorously remove the history of wear and tear on a long-journeyed vehicle.
She filled me up gradually and delicately over the course of the gathering, like I was a deflated balloon. She filled me with life giving air that I so desperately needed from all the years of stinging disappointment; she renewed my courage and ability to stand up for myself after a lifetime of feeling less than, feeling acutely incapable of a life of healthy consistency, cause I was “too far gone”.
Apparently I hadn’t gone far enough…
And so in the last part I could do nothing else than prostrate myself before Mother’s ethereal body – it would have been nice to have more room to do that more fully, and for yoga, but that’s okay…it is a sacred space that I am so blessed to have arrived in : )
I used the space to the best of my ability and stretched, and danced (thank you for that encouragement), and forward bended, massaged my entire face, and was able to make the biggest move of all: to listen to the retching of others without overreacting.
In fact, everyone’s retching inspired me, especially yours; I felt that you were becoming closer to us, that you could relate to our pain and that you were elevating us – the rest of the gathering proved that to me.
Much light to you…
Brian
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